


Dork Squad Adventures: the Kingdom Hearts Files

by GostRiley



Category: Kingdom Hearts, Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: Gen, This was supposed to be shorter, a lot of people die here but not graphically, shitpost, there are no KH characters in here, this was just written as a response to the news about KH3 getting leaked 6 weeks early
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-18
Updated: 2018-12-18
Packaged: 2019-09-22 02:21:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 881
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17051234
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GostRiley/pseuds/GostRiley
Summary: When thirty copies of Kingdom Hearts 3 go missing, it's up to the Dork Squad to kick ass and drive recklessly to save the day and return the games!





	Dork Squad Adventures: the Kingdom Hearts Files

GostRiley was bored.

They had plans to write and shitpost all week long, but their dad told them to wash the dishes, feed the cats, clean the cat box, set any Girl Scouts who came by on fire, and to sweep and mop the floor (and the whole house had tile floors, which made winter mornings almost unbearable). Riley didn’t like that, so they turned on their phone and went onto Tumblr.

As they scrolled through endless porn and activism posts, their older brother, Batdork, came in, wearing a Batman mask and suit, as fucking always.

“Riley, stoners stole copies of Kingdom Hearts 3!” Riley stared at him.

“How? And what the fuck you do expect me to do about it?”

“Assemble your Dork Squad™️,” Batdork commanded, his moobs  jiggling with fury.

“Fine.”

Riley grabbed their “Destiny’s Embrace” Keyblade replica, ran out the door, and high-jacked the public transit bus like the “Magic School Bus”-loving asshole they are.

***

PhantomOfRage was sitting at a tree-lined bus stop when the bus they were waiting for slowly-pulled in, and then it was rammed by another bus covered in dents and blood. The doors opened, and Riley stepped out.

“What did you do this time? Should I call the police?”

“No. The police can’t help us where we’re going. We must..” A dramatic breeze blew through Riley’s hair, slapping a passing old lady in the face. “... assemble the Squad™️, Rage!”

***

Toni wasn’t surprised when a bloody-and-battered bus crashed into the wall of her living room.

“Goddammit, Riley. I have a door.” The bus doors opened, and Riley ushered Toni in.

“We have a video game to save, bruh. Don’t give me shit.”

Toni entered the bus and saw Rage chatting with a short, skinny dude wearing a red-stained, blue hoodie, hood up. 

Without a word, Toni moved to the back, sitting next to the corpse of the bus driver Riley killed (Rest in Penis).

***

The drive to North Carolina was cut short, thanks to Riley running over a lot of people.

Riley drove up to a wooden cabin and grabbed their Keyblade. “Rage, kick down the door. Toni, wake up Sans.” Toni blinked.

“Wait, what?” A  _ whoosh _ broke the silence, and the door opened.

“*i’m done here, kiddo.” Sans teleported away with another  _ whoosh _ .

“What the fuck?” Rage muttered.

The trio entered the cabin and saw a hick smoking a doobie, sitting on a throne made of copies of Kingdom Hearts 3. Toni dragged him off his seat, and Riley began smacking him with their weapon. “DON’T FUCKING STEAL, YOU BITCH.” Rage repeatedly stomped on the stoner’s balls until he died. That’s right. You can kill a man by smashing his balls. (You actually can’t but whatever.)

Riley, Rage, and Toni gathered up the copies of the game, put them on the bus, put the bus driver’s corpse in the cabin, and set the building on fire. The three drove into the nearest GameStop to return the games and went home afterwards.

… This actually isn’t where the story ends.

As the bus pulled out of the GameStop’s front door, a large, yellow spike burst through the ceiling, crushing half of and killing an employee.

“Not again,” another employee muttered. They opened the cash register, pulled a Phoenix Down out, and threw on the dead employee, who screamed for five minutes straight and then died again.

“Whomp whomp wah,” Riley chorused, like a total asshole.

The spike lifted. 

“I’ll be taking those copies of Kingdom Hearts 8!” The spike completely lifted to reveal Elmer, better known as Butch Hartman.

“It’s Kingdom Hearts 3, you half-assed egomaniac. What do you want with these games?” Riley asked.

“I went to Japan a month ago and asked if the Square Enix execs could add ‘Bunsen Is a Beast’ to their game, and they said no, so I’m gonna correct that, Hart fans!”

“I…” Toni paused. “I’m about 91% sure that’s not how it works. Even then, you may have interesting ideas, but your writing, like Riley’s, is absolute shit.”

“Oh fuck you,” Riley squawked.

Toni continued, “You probably don’t even know anything about coding anyway. We’ll kick your ass if we have to.”

_ Waaaaaaah waaaph waaaaaph wap wap wap waaaaaah! _

“What?!” Elmer looked away from the group and saw flashing blue and red lights.

“I called the police,” Rage explained. 

Elmer threw down a smoke bomb and yelled, “So long, Hart fans!”

As soon as Elmer disappeared, a hooded figure in a black coat, like an Organization XIII member’s, jumped down from the hole in the ceiling. They removed their hood, revealing Lexx herself.

“Who wants to go to Denny’s and vore something?”

“Fuck yeah,” everyone in the GameStop, including the dead employee’s ghost, yelled.

So they all boarded the bus and drove to a nearly-empty Denny’s.

“Table for how many?” the waitress asked.

“Just give us the whole place,” Rage said. The waitress nodded and guided them the left half of the restaurant, where they saw Batdork and Sans talking about life and eating burgers.

“We got the games back, and we’re hungry,” Riley said. “We’re broke as fuck, so please pay.”

“No.” 

And they all ate burgers, except for the vegetarians, who had salads.

And no one paid because the service sucked.

The end.


End file.
